Conversation Tips for Connecting Conversations

Why it matters

Parents and caregivers can promote their children's health and safety. For instance, parents and caregivers can know about their children's and youth's lives and connect with them through regular check-ins.

Preparing for the conversation

You can take action to encourage open communication. As a result, your child or teen feels free to express their feelings and ideas to you. Open communication can help strengthen your relationship with your child or teen.

Engage in active listening

Active listening is letting your child share their thoughts and feelings—without interruption. Once they are finished sharing, try to repeat back to them what you heard in your own words. This shows you heard what they had to say and understood what they meant.

Find out more about what they like and why

You can build connections with your kids by asking them about their interests and being curious about their lives. This can include asking them and getting them to talk to you about their hobbies, friends, or what they are doing after school.

Encouraging your kids to share what has been happening to them, things they like to do and why, and what they think and feel can build connection.

Be the person they trust and want to come to when they need an adult

Make it safe for your kids to share what has been happening with them and what they’re thinking and feeling without worries that you’ll be angry with them or punish them. This can make it more likely that they’ll keep sharing with you.

There may be times when your kids tell you things that surprise you or make you uncomfortable but do your best to be understanding as your first reaction. Repeat back what you are hearing and ask if you have it right before asking more questions or saying what you’re thinking. While certain things they tell you might lead to some follow-up, it is important that you make sharing things with you as safe and comfortable as you can.

Be patient and consistent

Your kids may not always want to share things with you and like all relationships, it may take time to build open communication. Creating regular opportunities for you and your kids to share will help communication grow. These kinds of conversations can happen any time—whenever you’re on the way somewhere with them, while you’re doing things together at home, or whenever you have time with them.

Things to say to get conversations started

Here are some ways you can start conversations with your child

Mental health

• "What was the best and worst part of your day?"
• "What is taking up space in your mind right now?"
• "How are you feeling about ___?"
• "If you could start the day over, what would you do differently?"
• "What did you do today that you're most proud of?"
• "Is there anything you're worried about today/this week?"
• "It seems like something's bothering you. Do you want to talk about what's going on?"
• "What is something that makes you feel calm/happy/secure?"

Things that help keep conversations going

Here are some ways you can keep conversations going.

General

• "I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. What do you need right now?"
• "I hear you."
• "It's really understandable that you're feeling this way."
• "I'm so glad you told me about ___."
• "That sounds really difficult. How can I help?"
• "We're in this together."
• "I love you, and nothing can ever change that."
• "You are enough, just the way you are."

Challenges you may face

If your teen doesn’t want to talk

• "It's OK to keep things private, but if you'd like to tell me more about ____, I'm here to listen."
• "It's understandable that you might not want to talk about this right now. I'm here to listen when you're ready."
• "If you need to talk with someone else about this, that's OK too."
• "I may not totally understand what you're going through, but know that I want to."

Resources

If you have concerns about your child’s emotional well-being, behavioral adjustment, or overall mental health, reach out to a qualified professional. Examples are your primary care provider or your child’s pediatrician. Continue to have open and honest discussions with your child, offering encouragement and support.

Need help with a mental or substance use disorder‎

If you, or someone you know, needs help with a mental or substance use disorder, call SAMHSA's National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889. Or text your zip code to 435748 (HELP4U). You can also use SAMHSA's Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator to get help.

Learn more

• Mental Health
• Children's Mental Health