Key points
- Praise good behavior with specific, positive words so children know what they did right.
- Rewards (like attention and praise) encourage good behavior and build self-esteem.
- Use simple reward charts to track behavior and motivate kids.
- Adjust goals and rewards if the system is not working.
Overview
Praise happens when you give positive attention to your child for good behavior. Praise lets your child know what behaviors you like. When you praise behaviors you like, your child will do those behaviors more often. Praise can also help your child feel good about themself.
When offering praise, be specific and make sure you use simple words with an upbeat tone. This not only provides encouragement and reassurance but also enhances your child’s understanding.
For example, saying “I saw that you put your toys away!” offers specific, or “labeled” praise. This type of praise works best because your child knows exactly what you like. Meanwhile, unlabeled praise, such as, “Great job!” is a general statement that expresses approval but does not provide specific guidance to improve behavior.
Remember that different approaches work for different children. For example, while hugging can emphasize your words of praise, some children may feel uncomfortable with physical touch. If this is the case with your child, try offering a thumbs up, a smile, or a wink instead.
Behaviors are more likely to happen again when followed by a positive consequence like a reward.
Rewards are important
Rewards can encourage your child’s good behaviors
The way you respond right after your child’s behavior makes the behavior more or less likely to happen again. Rewards can help get your child to do more of the things you want them to do. Rewards that happen right after a behavior are best.
Rewards can help increase self-esteem.
Toddlers and preschoolers hear the words “no,”, “stop,” and “quit” many times during the day. This is normal and one of the ways they learn right from wrong. But when children hear these things over and over, their self-esteem can begin to suffer. They may begin to believe they cannot do anything correctly. When a child earns a reward, they know they have done something good and something you like.
Rewards can improve your relationship with your child.
When you give a reward to your child, you and your child are both happy. You are happy because your child has done something you like. Your child is also happy because they are getting something they like.
Types of rewards
There are several types of rewards. Material rewards include toys, books, or other things that cost money. Another type of reward is a social reward.
Social rewards are cheap or free and can be even more powerful than material rewards. They also can be given more often and immediately after behaviors you like. Examples of social rewards:
- Affection: Hugs, kisses, a high five, a smile, a pat on the back, or an arm around the shoulder are great examples of affection.
- Praise: Statements like “Great job” and “Way to go” are good ways to start out your praise. Remember, specific, or labeled, praise tells a child exactly what behavior you liked.
- Attention and Activities: Extra time with you or a special activity can be a powerful reward for young children. Some examples include playing a favorite game, reading a story, and helping with dinner. Other activities like going to the movies or the zoo can also be used, but these activities may not always be available or affordable.
Rewards program
A rewards program is a way to keep track of how often your child does what you like. You watch your child’s behavior and when you catch them doing what you like, you provide a reward. For young children, a chart with pictures is often used.
Steps for creating a rewards program
Rewards work well for behaviors like staying in bed after being tucked in, putting the dishes on the counter after dinner, using the potty, and other things.
Young children may need a little reward for doing something before it becomes a habit. Learn how to create your own reward program with the six steps below.
The behaviors you pick should help your child clearly understand what you expect. Tips for selecting behaviors are:
- Pick a couple of specific behaviors. For example, “Use polite words” and “Keep your hands and feet to yourself.”
- State exactly what you want to see your child do and avoid using words like “no,” “don’t,” “stop,” “quit,” and, “not” when you identify behaviors to reward. For example, “Share your toys with your sister” instead of “No hitting your sister.”
- Choose behaviors that are realistic and fit your child’s age and ability. For example, a four-year-old may be able to understand they need to use words like “please” and “thank you,” but that may be too complex for a two-year-old.
The reward you use should be something your child wants to earn and will enjoy. They will not want to do the behavior if the reward isn’t something they want or like. Remember that rewards don’t have to cost money, and there are several types of rewards.
Make sure the reward is given immediately after the child does the behavior. Giving a quick reward for doing the right thing is the most effective way to get toddlers and preschoolers to change their behavior.
Create a chart that shows your child the behaviors and rewards you have picked. The chart should be made in a way your child will understand, like with pictures and simple words.
For example, if you want your child to brush their teeth every day, you may write “Brush teeth” on the chart and include a picture of a toothbrush so that your child understands.
Place the chart somewhere that is easy for the child to see it and be reminded of what you want them to do. The refrigerator is often a good place, but you can put it anywhere that works for your family. Click here for a sample chart and to create your own chart.
For the reward program to work, your child needs to be told exactly what they need to do to earn a reward. If you picked clear and specific behaviors in step 1, this will be easy to do. If you are using a chart with stickers, stamps, or check marks, you can show the chart to your child. You can say what you expect from them and what you will do on the chart every time you see them do the behavior.
Try to focus on the positives when explaining the chart to your child. For example, you may say, “I have noticed that you sometimes take your plate to the sink after you finish eating. I want to give you a sticker like this (show the child the sticker) on your chart (point to the chart) every time you take your plate to the sink after eating!”
You are now ready to begin using the reward program. Make sure the reward program is clear to your child. When they receive a reward, praise your child and tell them exactly what they did to earn the reward.
For example, you could tell your child, “Because you took your plate to sink, I am giving you a big, gold star!” Remember to give the rewards immediately after the behavior to make sure that your child knows what they did to earn the reward. When your child earns their reward, praise them and let them watch you put the reward on the chart.
Never take away rewards your child has earned. Rewards that your child has earned are theirs and should not be removed for misbehaviors. To earn new rewards, your child must do the right behavior again.
When you first start using a reward program, reward your child often. Over time, you will notice that your child is doing the right thing more and more often.
You can change the reward chart as your child continues to grow by rewarding a different behavior you would like your child to do more often.
Facing challenges
It is important to remember that it takes time for behaviors to change. It will take time for reward programs to work. If you are patient and consistent in what you do, you will see an increase in your child’s good behavior and a decrease in misbehaviors.
If the reward program is not working, there are three questions you can think about:
- Is your child able to do what you are expecting? If you decide that you are expecting too much, make changes to the program. Explain the reason for the change to your child. For example, if you expected your child to make their bed but they cannot do that, you might say, “I realize that I should reward you for helping me make the bed. So, from now on, you will get a prize when you help me make the bed.”
- Is the behavior specific, clear, and easy for your child to understand? If your child is not doing the behavior, it may be a sign they do not understand what you want. As your child gets older, you can see if they understand by asking them to tell you what they need to do to get a reward. Remember that behaviors should be specific and easy for you to see. Keep behaviors simple for toddler and preschoolers.
- Are the rewards things your child is interested in earning? Remember that things you like may not be the same as what your child would like to earn. Children also become tired of some rewards and develop new likes and interests. Keep a running list of rewards your child would like. Change and add to the reward list over time to continue to make the rewards fun and exciting.