Key points
- Redirecting attention (or ignoring) reduces minor, attention-seeking misbehavior by removing the reward of attention.
- Use only for safe, non-needs-based behaviors.
- Do not use for dangerous behaviors or if your child is in distress.
- When the misbehavior stops, return attention and praise positive behavior right away.
Overview
Redirecting your attention (or ignoring) can help you reduce your child’s misbehavior. Attention from parents is very rewarding for children. Attention can be both positive and negative.
It’s important to remember that even negative attention is still attention for children. This is true especially if you were not paying attention to your child before the misbehavior started.
For example, if your child keeps tugging at your shirt and calling your name, you may tell them to “Stop!” By giving your child attention, you may accidentally increase the chance it will happen again.
You may find yourself giving attention to negative behaviors more than positive behaviors because you are rushed or in a hurry. When you ignore some misbehaviors by redirecting or removing the reward of your attention, you can make it less likely your child will do the behavior again.
When to use redirecting attention
Redirecting your attention should not be misunderstood as neglecting or allowing misbehavior to continue. Instead, it involves actively redirecting all your attention away from your child and their behavior.
Redirecting your attention is usually most effective for minor behaviors like whining or interrupting. These misbehaviors are often done for attention. If parents, friends, family, or other caregivers consistently redirect their attention from these behaviors, they may eventually stop. When you are using this technique, you do not look at or talk to your child. Ignore all protests or excuses to get your attention.
It is important to note that ignoring should be brief and used only for minor, attention-seeking behaviors. It is not appropriate for needs-based behavior like when a child is hungry, tired, or sick. If the behavior comes from discomfort or need, parents should address that need rather than ignore it.
Additionally, if your child seems genuinely upset or in distress, and you don't think they are able to calm their emotions without your comforting and reassurance, it is not an appropriate time to use this technique. In this case, it may be more appropriate to try time in or emotion coaching to bring your child back to a calm state.
Your child may also misbehave in ways that are not meant for attention and put them in danger. Dangerous and destructive behaviors should not be ignored. For example, if your child is hurting themself, hurting others, or destroying objects, they should not be ignored. These misbehaviors should be stopped immediately. Other consequences such as time-out can be used.
Steps for redirecting your attention
What behavior is causing the most problems? Try to identify minor misbehaviors like whining, interrupting, or other attention-seeking behaviors. Start ignoring the behavior by redirecting your attention instead of responding the way you usually do.
Be silent. Act as if you cannot see or hear them while they are engaging in the behavior you are trying to discourage. You may even want to turn your back so your child does not see you looking at them. You can watch out of the corner of your eye for good behaviors.
Even as you redirect your attention from your child, their safety should come first. Do not leave the child alone unless it is safe. When you use this technique:
- Don’t touch or hold your child.
- Don’t talk to your child.
- Don’t look at your child.
Ignore the behavior without giving in. Ignore it every time it happens. Be consistent and avoid giving attention to the behavior every time it occurs to decrease or stop misbehaviors. When the misbehavior stops, return your attention.
Remember, simply ignoring your child's behavior does not tell them what you want them to do. Use positive attention and praise to tell them what you like about what they are doing, even if they are just sitting quietly.
For example, you might say, "I really like how you asked me with your inside voice to help you tie your shoes!"
Tips for redirecting your attention
Be prepared for the behavior to get worse when you first start redirecting your attention.
Prepare yourself and expect this increase in the misbehavior. If you give in and give attention to your child, you risk teaching your child that their behavior needs to get worse for them to get their way. For example, if whining used to work for your child to get their way, they may whine longer and louder to see if they can get your attention.
Be consistent and predictable with your attention.
If you are consistent and predictable with your attention, you will see a decrease in the misbehavior over time. Even if the behavior stops for a while, your child may sometimes try the behavior again to see if it will get attention. Keep ignoring the behavior.
All caregivers need to respond to misbehavior the same way.
If one parent consistently ignores a behavior while another parent gives attention to the same behavior, the technique may not work or it will take longer to have an effect. Tell all caregivers, (like teachers, babysitters, and grandparents) about the behaviors you are trying to ignore and show them how you are using the technique of redirecting your attention.
Examples
Example 1: A parent successfully redirects their attention to respond to her child’s misbehavior
A mom and her son are at the bank. The son begins to whine about standing in line and being bored. The mom does not give him any attention. She does not touch him, talk to him, or look at him. She does this the whole time they are in line, but her son continues to whine.
The mom realizes that others in the bank are giving her son attention. When he stops whining and takes a few breaths, the mom immediately kneels down and tells him, "I really like it when you are standing quietly in line! It makes me very proud of you!"
By ignoring the misbehavior and praising the desired behavior, the mom successfully reduces her son's whining over time. The son enjoys receiving praise from his mom for behaving quietly in line.
Example 2: A parent struggles to redirect his attention
A dad and his daughter are at the grocery store. The daughter asks for a candy bar and the dad says no because it’s almost dinner time. The daughter throws a tantrum, causing embarrassment to the dad. Eventually, he gives in and buys her the candy bar to make her stop crying.
Next time, the dad could either agree to buy the candy bar but tell the daughter to save it for after dinner, or he could stick to his initial refusal and practice the technique of redirecting his attention.