Tips for Using Ignoring

Overview

Attention from parents is very rewarding for children. Attention can be both positive and negative. Positive attention refers to things you do to let your child know you like something they did. Negative attention happens when you give your child attention for something you don't like. If your child keeps tugging at your shirt and calling your name, you may tell them to "Stop!" In this example, you have given your child attention. You may find yourself giving attention to negative behaviors more than positive behaviors because you are rushed or in a hurry. But, for children, negative attention from you is still attention. Ignoring works because it takes away attention from the behaviors you want to decrease. Your child learns that they will not receive attention for misbehaving.

What ignoring is

Do not be fooled by the term ignoring. It is a very active process for the parent. Think of ignoring as the opposite of paying attention. When you ignore your child, you do not neglect them or stand by while they misbehave. Instead, you take all your attention away from your child and their behavior. Ignoring usually helps stop behaviors that your child is using to get your attention. This includes behaviors like throwing tantrums, whining, and interrupting. When you are ignoring, you do not look at your child or talk to them. Ignore all protests or excuses to get your attention. The goal is to decrease behaviors you do not like, or you want your child to stop.

When to ignore your child's misbehavior

Ignoring can help you reduce your child’s misbehavior. Remember that children love attention. Negative attention like screaming or yelling can be rewarding to a child. This is true especially if you were not paying attention to your child before the misbehavior started. By giving your child attention during tantrums, you may accidentally reward the behavior and increase the chance it will happen again. When you ignore some misbehaviors, you can make it less likely your child will do the behavior again.

What misbehaviors to ignore

Ignoring is usually most effective for behaviors like whining, crying when nothing is physically wrong or hurting, and tantrums. These misbehaviors are often done for attention. If parents, friends, family, or other caregivers consistently ignore these behaviors, they will eventually stop.

Your child may also misbehave in ways that are not meant for attention and put him in danger. Dangerous and destructive behaviors should not be ignored. For example, if your child is hurting themselves, hurting others, or destroying objects, they should not be ignored. These misbehaviors should be stopped immediately. Other discipline and consequences such as time-out should be used.

Steps for ignoring

Step 1: Choose a specific behavior you want to ignore

What behavior is causing the most problems? Start ignoring the behavior instead of responding the way you usually do.

Step 2: When your child does the selected behavior, take away all of your attention

Be silent. Make your child think that you cannot see or hear them. You may even want to turn your back to your child so your child does not see you looking at them. You can watch out of the corner of your eye for good behaviors. Even when using ignoring with your child, their safety should come first. Do not leave the child alone unless it is safe. While ignoring:

• Don't touch or hold your child.
• Don't talk to your child.
• Don't look at your child.
• Don't give in.

Step 3: Wait for the misbehavior to stop and quickly return your attention to your child

Ignore the behavior without giving in. Ignore it every time it happens. Being consistent and ignoring the behavior every time it occurs are important in decreasing or stopping misbehaviors.

When the misbehavior stops, return your attention. Remember, simply ignoring your child does not tell them what you want them to do. Use positive attention and praise to tell them what you like about what they're doing, even if they are just sitting quietly. When praising a good behavior, be enthusiastic and specific. For example, you might say, "I really like how you asked me with your inside voice to help you tie your shoes!"

Tips for ignoring

• Ignoring works well when used with positive attention for behaviors you'd like to see more often. This means that you ignore the behavior you want to stop and when you see your child doing something you like, you praise it immediately.
• Be prepared for the behavior to get worse when you first start ignoring it. Prepare yourself and expect this increase in the misbehavior. If you give in and give attention to your child, you risk teaching your child that their behavior needs to get worse for them to get their way. For example, if whining used to work for your child to get their way, they may whine longer and louder to see if they can get your attention.
• Be consistent and predictable with your ignoring. If you are consistent and predictable with your ignoring, you will see a decrease in the misbehavior over time. Even after the behavior has disappeared for a while, your child may sometimes try the behavior again to see if it will work to get attention. Keep ignoring the behavior even if it has been a long time since your child behaved that way. When the behavior goes away, it is often fairly permanent, unless you start paying attention to it again.
• All caregivers need to respond to misbehavior the same way. If one parent is consistently ignoring and another parent is providing attention for that same behavior, ignoring may not work or it will take much longer to have an effect. Tell everyone who cares for your child, (e.g. teachers, babysitters, and grandparents) about the kinds of behaviors you are trying to ignore. Then, show them how you are using the ignoring technique.

Examples

Example 1: Read how a parent uses ignoring well to respond to her child

A mom and her son are in line at the bank. Her son begins to whine about having to stand in line and about how bored he is and how much he "hates" the bank. The mom immediately turns her back slightly to her son and does not provide any attention for this behavior. This means she does not touch him, talk to him, nor look at him. She does this the whole time they are in line but her son continues to whine.

The mom then realizes that other people in the bank are giving her son attention. When her son stops whining and takes a few breaths, the mom immediately kneels down to his level and tells him, "I really like it when you are standing quietly in line! It makes me very proud of you!" With this combination of ignoring the misbehavior and praising the behavior she wants to see, the mom saw a decrease over time in her son's whining at the bank. He liked to get his mom's praise for standing quietly in line.

Example 2: Read how a parent struggles to use ignoring well

A dad and his daughter are at the grocery store in the checkout line. The daughter says, "Dad, can I have a candy bar?" The dad says, "No. It's almost time for dinner." The daughter yells, "But dad, I want one! I'm hungry! You're a mean dad!" The daughter starts to cry and stomp her feet. People are looking over at the dad and his daughter. The dad feels embarrassed and buys his daughter the candy bar so she will be quiet.

The next time the dad and his daughter go to the grocery store, the daughter knows that she just has to yell and cry until her dad buys her a candy bar. Things that could be done differently:

• The dad could agree to buy his daughter the candy bar when she first asks. Since it's almost dinner time, he may tell his daughter that she will need to save it until after dinner.
• Once the dad says "No," he needs to stick to his answer. When his daughter gets upset and says mean and hurtful things, he can ignore her.